


Alexa, Please Make It Stop

by PrettyMessedUpSituation (MarcelinesNightosphere)



Series: Drabbles and Ficlets from Prompts [17]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Bickering, Crack Treated Seriously, Pranks and Practical Jokes, a not so wel-come surprise (it's gross and i'm sorry), abuse of Alexa/Amazon Echo, flashbacks featuring R&B singer Ginuwine's hit "Pony", masturbation mention
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-11
Updated: 2018-05-11
Packaged: 2019-05-05 04:29:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,649
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14609343
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MarcelinesNightosphere/pseuds/PrettyMessedUpSituation
Summary: Sam bought Amazon Echoes to place around the bunker and hooooo buddy was that a bad idea. Pranks ensue. Alexa becomes the middleman in a petty fight that gets out of hand. At least there's pizza.





	Alexa, Please Make It Stop

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt from [here](http://www.scones-and-texting-and-murder.tumblr.com>scones-and-texting-and-murder</a>%20on%20tumblr:%20%0A...what%20about%20a%20little%20fic%20when%20dean%20and%20cas%20use%20Alexa%20to%20leave%20each%20other%20bitchy%20voice%20messages?%0A%0AFind%20it%20on%20tumblr%20<a%20href=).
> 
> [also i'm not kidding about there being something gross, but you can handle it. if come as a thing that exists squicks you out, just breathe. you've got this. I believe in you]

Dean flopped his body down onto the couch in his Dean Cave and heaved an agitated sigh. “Alexa, leave a message for Cas,” he snapped. **  
**

“Okay. You want to leave a message for Cas?”

“Yes. Tell him the next time he puts an empty jar of peanut butter in the cabinet, I’m gonna kick his ass,” Dean said.

“Okay. Message saved for Cas. Would you like me to add peanut butter to  _Sam’s stupid grocery list?_ ”

 

* * *

 

For three weeks, Cas had been grating on Dean’s nerves and vice versa. Being cooped up in the bunker with nothing to do was making Dean antsy. And usually, if Cas was in the bunker, he was lucky enough to not have to share it with Sam’s noxious gas or Dean’s relentless boredom bitching.

It started innocently enough. Dean left a message on the Echo Sam put in his Cave so they could use it as kind of an intercom system when on opposite sides of the bunker. Initially, the Echoes placed throughout their spacious sanctuary were handy devices that helped remind them to send Jody flowers for Mother’s Day or for settling arguments over who played Honeywell in  _Porky’s_ , but when boredom set in, the Echoes started being used for nefarious purposes.

Dean used Alexa’s Announcement feature on Sam on multiple occasions. First it was to let him know dinner was ready, but then he started using it to startle Sam in whatever room he was in. Sam would walk into the library and Dean’s voice would boom through the speaker,  _“SAMMEH!”_  He’d be asleep in his room and Dean would start doing the  _“ki, ki, ki, ma, ma, ma”_ from the  _Friday the 13th_  theme, just enough to wake Sam up before he had Alexa blast the theme from  _Halloween_. Sam had finally had enough and turned his Echo off.

Dean tried a few times to apologize in the kitchen, but Sam would ask Alexa questions while reading something on his laptop.

“Alexa, what’s the definition of _asinine?”_

“The definition of 'asinine' is extremely stupid or foolish,” Alexa would respond. “Synonyms include brainless, idiotic, and empty-headed.”

Then Cas started using Alexa to bring attention to things Sam and Dean did that were driving him crazy. Sitting in the kitchen, he asked,  “Alexa, can you smell that?”

“I don’t have the ability to smell,” Alexa said. “It’s both a blessing and a curse.”

“Seriously?” Sam snapped. His face softened to a look of guilt as Cas stared him down, his eyebrow cocked. “Yes, it was me. I’m sorry.”

Eventually, all of the devices were turned off - except the one in Dean’s Cave.

* * *

 

Cas slipped through the door into the Cave and sat down on the recliner he had come to claim as his. Dean was asleep in his own. He snored as the credits to a movie played out on the television, the glow from the screen bathing his face in light. It would be a calming scene if Cas didn’t want to punch him in the face.

“Alexa, play my messages,” Cas said.

“You have one message from Dean.”

Cas narrowed his eyes at his sleeping counterpart.

“Dean says if you put another empty peanut butter jar back into the cabinet, he’s going to kick your…I can’t say that word.”

Cas rolled his eyes. “Alexa, leave a message for Dean.”

“Okay, I’ll leave a message for Dean.”

“Tell Dean I let Sam fart on his pillow.”

“Okay. I’ll let Dean know you let Sam fart on his pillow.”

Dean startled awake. “Oh,” he said, rubbing his face. “Hey, Cas.”

“Hope you slept well, Dean. I’m going to make a sandwich. You want something?”

“Well. Nothing we  _have_ ,” Dean said. “Maybe order a pizza. I’ll go pick it up.”

“Sounds great,” Cas said, his lips pressed into a line. “Alexa, order the usual from Marco’s and charge Dean’s card.”

“Okay. Ordering an extra large meat lover’s with extra cheese from Marco’s Pizza for Dean.”

Dean sighed. “I’ll get going in a minute. Let me wake up a little bit more. Is there any coffee?”

“Alexa, do we have any coffee?” Cas asked, his hands shoved in his pockets as he stared at Dean.

“I don’t know that. Coffee was ordered from _Sam’s stupid grocery list_ one week ago.”

Cas looked to Dean. “I guess, in theory, we should have coffee,” he said.

Dean’s voice dropped to the anger zone. “Alexa, tell Cas to eat a dick.”

“I can’t say that.”

“Alexa,” Cas said, “tell Dean, with relish.”

“Adding relish to  _Sam’s stupid grocery list._ ”

Dean stood and threw on his jacket. “Alexa, tell Cas to stop watching  _Grease_.”

“Playing  _Grease_.”

“I’m leaving!” Dean said.

“Take your time.” Cas left the Cave, his angry footsteps fading down the hallway.

Dean waited until he heard the door slam. “Alexa, leave a message for Cas.”

“Okay. I’ll leave a message for Cas.”

“Tell Cas I used his toothbrush to clean dried toothpaste out of Sam’s sink.”

Since Sam continued to avoid Dean for the time being, Dean returned to his Cave with the pizza and set it down precariously on the magazines stacked on the small table.  _If Sam wants something to eat,_  Dean thought,  _he could either make it himself or follow the smell of grease, meat, and cheese._

_Wait._

_That sounded really, really wrong._

Dean shook his head. “Alexa, play my messages.”

“Hello, Dean. You have two messages from Cas. The first message is: Let me know when you get back. The second message is: It’s on.”

“For fucksake,” Dean muttered under his breath. “This isn’t gonna go well.” Dean went down the hall to look for Cas. He wasn’t in his room. He knocked on Sam’s door, but there was no response. Dean wandered the halls of the bunker, checking in any room he thought Cas or Sam might have wandered into. He let out a heavy sigh and started to head toward pizza when he realized…he might actually be alone in the bunker. Dean made a hard left turn and beelined to his room where he grabbed a magazine and his lotion, unbuttoned his jeans, and mused about how sticky his lotion was and the odd consistency before shaking it up and moving on with the task at hand. He took his time rubbing one out in the freedom of an empty bunker. He didn’t even try to be quiet.

When he made it back to his Cave, Cas was sitting in his recliner.

“Shit, Cas. I thought you left or something,” Dean said. He wiped his freshly washed wet hands on the front of his jeans; his towel had been…used.

“You have a message from Alexa,” Cas said as he thumbed through the pages of a magazine.

“Okay….” Dean prepared himself for some passive aggressive bullshit. “Alexa, play my messages.”

“You have messages from Cas. First message - he used your lotion, but not to worry. He refilled it for you,” she said.

“He…okay?” Dean said, confused.

“The second message is, I’m supposed to stress that  _he refilled it_.”

Dean looked puzzled for a moment. Then it hit him. “YOU SON OF A BITCH!” He looked at his hand and then to his crotch, then back at his hand. “Gross,” he said with a shudder. He kept whispering,  _“Gross, gross, gross.”_  

Cas erupted in a fit of giggles. He shook in his chair.

“Ugh, that’s -” Dean gagged a little. “That’s disgusting!” he yelled. Dean was unsure if he should beat the hell out of him or something else, his uncertainty and disbelief freezing him to the spot. “Alexa, tell Cas  _I’m going to murder him!”_

“I’m afraid I can’t do that, Dean.”

“What are you, HAL? Fine. Alexa, tell Cas if he wants to play it that way, it’s on.”

“Okay.”

Suddenly, “Let’s Get It On” started playing through the Echo.

“No, Alexa, I didn’t - stop playing that song!” Dean said. The song stopped and he took a deep breath. “I’m  _genuinely_  over all this,” he added.

“Okay,” Alexa said.

“Okay…what?” Dean stared at the tiny machine that was ruining his day, fearing what would come next.

The unmistakable electronic bass line of 90s R&B song “Pony” by Ginuwine began playing and Dean was suddenly filled with the enormity of teenage embarrassment.

“No! Alexa! Turn it off!” Dean shrieked, his voice squeaking in panic.

“Turning it up.”

Cas’s giggle fit turned into bent-in-half belly laughs.

“This isn’t funny!” Dean bellowed.

The volume rose quickly until the speaker rattled with the bass. Dean fumbled with his phone, trying to turn it off through the app. The song suddenly stopped, but not before Dean had an embarrassing flashback thanks to the chorus.

“You have a message from Sam,” Alexa said.

Cas’s laughter was ending. He wiped away his tears and tried to catch his breath.

Dean let out a guttoral moan. “Alexa, play my messages.”

Sam’s voice played through the Echo’s speaker. “Hey guys. I don’t know what’s going on, but it smells like hot grease and meat, and that Ginuwine song you danced to for Christy Havard’s birthday party is playing so I’m…not coming in. Just…I support you, I guess. Carry on.”

“You  _what_?” Cas asked, his laughter building again.

“OH MY GOD,” Dean yelled. “Alexa, FUCK OFF!”

“That’s not very nice. Turning off.”

Dean collapsed into his chair. He opened the box and pulled out a slice of pizza, folded it in half, and shoved it in his mouth.

“Dean -”

“Nope,” he mumbled with a mouthful of hot cheese.

“About the lotion -”

“Nope. Not talking about it,” he said. After he swallowed, he continued. “I’m gonna sit here, eat pizza, and apparently, watch  _Grease_. I think after today, I deserve a little bit of peace and quiet.”

Cas leaned over and snagged a slice of pizza for himself. “Tell me about it, stud.”


End file.
